Holden has turned 13 months old and I can't help but think that it has been 1 year since Baby Carver Cobb has passed away. I believe it was actually July 12th.
Just to fill you in, Holden and Carver were born on the same day. Carver's parents were family friends of the Strieglers. Carver's heart condition was recognized prior to birth and they had planned an induction that day. He arrived as well as could be and began his stay at Children's. Carver's journey was bumpier than Holden's. While we only had two surgeries to look forward to, he had at least four if I'm remembering right. His parents were so calm and full of love and happiness whenever we saw them. During this time I was an emotional wreck. I would cry when not even provoked, my eyes were constantly puffy, and my nose in need of a tissue. I begged the Lord to save my son. In what seemed like constant prayer, I prayed next to his bed, standing in the elevator, sitting on the pot, in the lactation room, laying awake at night, while eating my lunch, everywhere. Each time also asking for grace and healing for Carver. As Holden's surgery approached, my mind became increasingly worried and fear took over. While praying and sobbing in the lactation room the day before, the Lord said very loudly to me "He will do well." This is the only time I can truly say that I have heard the Lord. It gave me peace for the moment. And then my weak mind starting questioning even what I had heard. Why "Well?" Couldn't it have been "awesome," "amazing," or some other equally great word? And Holden did do well. His second coronary artery was found and moved, he responded well to the surgery, he was found to have a broken clavicle, and his pulmonary arteries were a bit too short. But his heart was now pumping oxygenated blood to his body!
I vividly remember saying goodbye to the Cobb's on the day we were being discharged. They came to visit us in our room. I felt so guilty being able to leave with my baby while they had to wait. We joked about how our kiddos will be addicted to so much noise and activity and how they may use their "poor heart" to their advantage to convince us they need that awesome toy or another scoop of ice cream. I didn't really know what to say to them as the conversation moved more toward goodbyes.
At home I prayed everyday for Carver. When Holden was screaming and my head was fuzzy at 4am, I was happy knowing that I was at home with my baby. We were the lucky ones. I could pick him up, watch him move, kiss him constantly.
We got an update that Carver wasn't doing well the day before he passed. I felt defeated. I was in prayer so much more that day. The next day my Aunt Carol came over to visit and Holden fell asleep while she held him. She asked if Bryan and I wanted to slip out for a bit while she held him. I excitedly said yes and we drove up to Braums for a sweet treat. While we were at Braums we received a text saying Carver didn't make it. We pulled into a parking space and we prayed. Thanking Jesus for his life and for Holden's.
And that's how it was. Bryan and I sitting in a Braums parking lot holding hands and thanking Jesus for the life of our child and praying for peace for the Cobb family.
Since then, another acquaintance has lost her baby girl. Although we didn't know each other closely, I hurt for her. I know what it's like to sit in that waiting room, to see your child with more tubes than you thought possible. I chose to attend the funeral but was so worried to do so thinking I wouldn't be able to contain myself. Again I was brought back to the feelings of complete loss and sobbing. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for her and her baby girl. It's amazing that although it was a year ago, I can relieve those emotions so quickly.
I am still very heartbroken each time I think about what Lexi and Jared had to go through. I hate it. I don't think I would be strong enough to pick my body up after saying goodbye to my baby. I don't know if it is because I am now a mom or because I am a mom who has been dependent upon the Lord doing a miracle, but I am forever touched by the delicacy of a newborn's life. As Holden turned one, I thought about Carver. As Holden calls my name and scratches my legs to be picked up, I am blessed. I am so lucky to have gotten to experience today with my son. Thank you Lord for each day. Thank you for giving him to me.
And to finish with a praise! Lexi and Jared had a baby boy, Canyon, last week. If I've heard right, he was born on July 12th.
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